When a couple considers divorce, the early stages of the process are often focused on matters such as finding a suitable solicitor, agreeing on how the finances should be split, and hopefully coming to an amicable arrangement regarding any children involved. Still, it’s a great idea to have a remarkable lawyer on your side to discuss the pros and consequences of custody, regardless of whether it’s among sole or joint custody lawyers. But it is often only the last of those matters – the children – that experience a longer term impact of the split. The extent of the impact depends on many variables such as the age of the children, the extent of the changes occurring and how parents support them. We look at some of the biggest contributing factors that impact a child during divorce.
How a child’s age impacts their experience of divorce
- Babies
Although it may not seem apparent, young babies can be affected by divorce. The practical impact of separating parents means that previous nurturing support may now be absent or inconsistent. In addition, negative tensions in the home can lead to babies and toddlers becoming clingier. The lack of parenting consistency can result in little ones not reaching some typical development milestones too. It’s important to be conscious of these possibilities and put plans in place to reduce the impact.
- Pre-schoolers
Pre-schoolers are much more aware of what is happening during a divorce. Some young children may even feel they are to blame for what is happening. They can become attention-seeking and sometimes regress through behaviours such as thumb sucking and bed-wetting. Although it’s often challenging in the beginning, parents will need to develop a routine quickly so that the children can find comfort and safety. Parents should also spend as much one-to-one time as possible with their child to reassure them of their permanence in their life.
- Primary school aged children
Older primary school children experiencing divorce have different challenges. They have grown used to their parents being together, so the change can feel more disruptive. Also, as children approach adolescence they are changing too, so their life can feel disorientating on a number of levels. In terms of the divorce, they may feel abandoned and will likely have more insight as to the conflict between their parents. They can become angry, anxious and depressed, so it is crucial to give children at this age a strong sense of security by being present and engaged in their life.
- Teenagers
The impact of divorce on teenagers can often be seen through their academic achievements. In addition, anger, stress and poor mental health may also feature and they could feel neglected by one or both of their parents. Speaking opening and calmly about the divorce can help, or seeking the support of a professional counsellor. Make sure you don’t brush things under the carpet, as this can have a lasting, detrimental effect on your teenager.
In all cases, the support children need should be long-term and ongoing. If not addressed, problems can rise to the surface at a later date and be more difficult to manage.
How can I best support my children through my divorce?
It’s important for parents to have an appreciation of how their child might react and be prepared to offer the specific support they will need. Below are some ideas of how to do this:
- Ensure any conflicts are not conducted in front of your children. Research has shown that retrospectively, this is the one thing children say they wished had not happened.
- Where possible, make sure there is minimum disruption to a child’s life, logistically and practically. This could be not moving schools unless necessary, keeping their routines e.g. after school clubs or activities they usually do.
- Try to demonstrate how you are communicating positively with their other parent to ensure your child’s needs are being met.
In conclusion
All children will experience a range of emotions including shock and anger and confusion, insecurity and loss during divorce. To prevent potential long-term effects, stay knowledgeable and active about how you can prevent this before it happens.
