Conflict is inevitable within a relationship and it is not inherently bad. However, there are healthy and constructive ways to navigate conflict and there are other patterns of responding to your partner that can be extremely damaging to your marriage.
In this article we will take a look at four toxic communication skills that can be destructive to your marriage (called Gottman’s Four Horsemen) and what to do if you notice these patterns in your relationship.
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What are Gottman’s Four Horsemen?
Based on 40+ years of research, relationship experts John and Julie Gottman identified four harmful patterns of communication that negatively impact a marriage. They even found that the presence of these styles can predict the ending of the relationship.
These toxic communication styles (called Gottman’s Four Horsemen) include:
- Criticism: attacking your partner’s character (for example: You are selfish, you never think about my feelings.)
- Contempt: mean-spirited and disrespectful behavior that may include name-calling, mocking, ridicule, etc. In showing contempt, one partner is assuming moral superiority over the other. (for example: ‘Could you be any more pathetic?’ or ‘You’re an idiot.)
- Defensiveness: is often a response to criticism where you may give an excuse or blame your partner, which can come off as dismissive of your partner’s concerns. (For example: ‘You know I was too busy to get to the laundry today, why don’t you do it?)
- Stonewalling: withdrawing or shutting down during an interaction as a result of feeling psychologically flooded. This may look like giving your partner ‘the silent treatment’ or refusing to engage, which can negatively impact the connection.
How to Counteract the Four Horsemen
The first step is to identify the presence of the Four Horsemen in your marriage. From there, you can learn about the four antidotes that can stop each toxic communication style in their tracks.
- Instead of criticism, aim for a gentle start-up. Use ‘I’ messages to express how you feel and what you need instead of placing blame on your partner and attacking their character.
- Instead of contempt, cultivate appreciation and respect. Consistently showing gratitude to your partner for what they do instead of emphasizing what they don’t do makes feelings of contempt less likely. Remind yourself of what you appreciate about your partner.
- Instead of defensiveness, move towards taking responsibility. While your first instinct may be to feel accused and place blame back on your partner, aim to take ownership over your role in the conflict. Being willing to hear and validate your partner’s concerns can help you to move towards resolution.
- Instead of stonewalling, try psychological self-soothing. In the heat of the moment when you feel yourself shutting down, suggest taking a break and returning to the conversation at a later time. Do something soothing that helps you to calm down so that you are better able to engage in the discussion rationally instead of from a place of intensified emotions.
Seek Further Support
If you are experiencing difficulties with navigating conflict with your partner, you might consider seeking the support of a marriage or family therapist who can help you to work through these issues. They can assist you in developing healthy communication skills and strategies for managing conflict that can strengthen your marriage, instead of harming it.
Marie Miguel Biography:
Marie Miguel has been a writing and research expert for nearly a decade, covering a variety of health- related topics. Currently, she is contributing to the expansion and growth of a free online mental health resource with BetterHelp.com. With an interest and dedication to addressing stigmas associated with mental health, she continues to specifically target subjects related to anxiety and depression.
